The Ceremony
Swedenborgian Church of San Francisco, September 19, 2019
Our ceremony began at noon on September 19th, 2019, at the Swedenborgian Church of San Francisco on Lyon Street. Rev. Junchol Lee officiated. The doors opened at half past eleven.
What We Hoped For
We would like a mix between the contemporary wedding and the new wedding. We absolutely love Rilke as well, so it was nice to see him referenced there. One of my favorite excerpts of his is Blood Remembering... Overall, we'd like to work with you on a ceremony that it is a start of a new adventure or phase in our life, since we've been together for 10 years. We've been creating things together... I really like the poetic tone of the ceremonies as well in displaying this.
A Reading
We read this passage at our ceremony.
Ah! but verses amount to so little when one writes them young. One ought to wait and gather sense and sweetness a whole life long, and a long life if possible, and then, quite at the end, one might perhaps be able to write ten lines that were good. For verses are not, as people imagine, simply feelings (those one has early enough); they are experiences. For the sake of a single verse, one must see many cities, men and things, one must know the animals, one must feel how the birds fly and know the gestures with which the little flowers open in the morning. One must be able to think back to roads in unknown regions, to unexpected meetings and partings one had long seen coming; to days of childhood that are still unexplained, to parents whom one had to hurt when they brought one some joy and one did not grasp it (it was a joy for someone else); to childhood illnesses that so strangely begin with such a number of profound and grave transformations, to days in rooms withdrawn and quiet and to mornings by the sea, to the sea itself, to seas, to nights of travel that rushed along on high and flew with all the stars, and it is not yet enough if one may think of all of this. One must have memories of many nights of love, none of which was like the others, of the screams of women in labor, and of light, white, sleeping women in childbed, closing again. But one must also have been beside the dying, must have sat beside the dead in the room with the window open and the fitful noises. And still it is not yet enough to have memories. One must be able to forget them when they are many and one must have the great patience to wait until they come again. For it is not yet the memories themselves. Not till they have turned to blood within us, to glance and gesture, nameless and no longer to be distinguished from ourselves, not till then can it happen that in a most rare hour the first word of a verse arises in their midst and goes forth from them.
A Poem from Kal
My Heart of Imagination
My heart has incredible imagination.
That makes my heart care
and then it would shine this poem
across the world.
The Music
Daniel Berkman played kora and piano at our ceremony. Daniel is a San Francisco composer and multi-instrumentalist who specializes in the kora, a 21-stringed West African harp. Rena walked down the aisle to Avril 14th by Aphex Twin, a piece for piano from the 2001 album Drukqs.
Our Vows
Rev. Junchol Lee's words
To the Couple
Dear Colin and Rena, today you are surrounded by your friends and family, all of whom are gathered to witness your marriage and to share in the joy of this occasion.
Life takes on meaning as it becomes composed of many meaningful events, some of which can be specified and planned for. One of these events is marriage.
As you know, no minister, no priest, no rabbi, no public official can marry you. Only you can marry yourselves. By a mutual commitment to love each other, to work toward creating an atmosphere of care and consideration and respect, by a willingness to face the tensions and anxieties that underlie human life, you can make your wedded life come alive.
On this the day that begins your marriage, you stand somewhat apart from the rest of humanity. You stand within the charmed circle of your love.
Love is not meant to be and cannot be the possession of one person alone. True love serves as a source of common energy, as a fount from which you both draw sustenance to live your lives with creative courage. From this day onward you must come closer together than ever before; you must love one another in sickness and in health, for better and for worse. At the same time, let your love give you the strength to stand apart so that you may each seek out your unique destinies and make your special contributions to the world.
A marriage that is to last will be continually growing.
As you have spent many years together already, you are aware of the transformation of self and spirit that occurs when two people share their life. As the poet Rilke has observed while writing his verses, we must remember in our blood the fullness and richness of life to appreciate it.
The passage from Rilke is printed above, under A Reading.
In the closeness of your shared memories and experiences, there is not an expectation of diminishing individuality, rather a strengthening of each partner.
Rilke continues, “Marriage is not a matter of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude ... once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as whole and before an immense sky.”
Today's celebration of human affection is the outward sign of a sacred and inward commitment, which religious societies may consecrate and states may legalize, but which neither can create or annul. Such union can only be created by loving purpose, be maintained by abiding will, and be renewed by human feelings and intentions. It is in this spirit that these two come now to be wed.
Or put succinctly by Kurt Vonnegut:
“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”
As you reflect on the journey you have already had together, know that you will be the same individuals in love, but marriage will reinforce some of the things which many of us here wish for you.
First of all, we wish for you a love that makes both of you better people, a love that continues to give you joy and zest for living, that provides you with energy to face the responsibilities of life.
We wish for your home: not just a place of stone and wood, but an island of sanity and serenity in a frenzied world. We hope that this home is not only a place of private joy and retreat, but also serves as a temple wherein the values of your life are generated and upheld. We hope that your home will encompass the beauty of nature: that it will have within it the elements of simplicity, exuberance, silence, color, and a concordance with the rhythms of life. We wish for you a home with books and poetry, music and spirituality, a home with all the things that represent the highest strivings of men and women.
We wish for your son Kal to not be a mere reflection of yourselves but to learn from you your best traits and go forth to re-create the values you shall instill within him. We hope your family is seen not as an obligation, but as a transcendent force which brings people close in times of joy and in times of need.
Finally, we wish that at the end of your lives you will be able to say these two things to each other: Because you have loved me, you have given me faith in myself. And because I have seen the good in you, I have received from you a faith in humanity.
Declaration of Intention
Minister to Groom: Colin, do you take Rena as your wife, promising to tenderly care for her, to respect her individuality, to cherish her as she is, to love her with fidelity? (I do.)
Minister to Bride: Rena, do you take Colin to be your husband, promising to tenderly care for him, to respect his individuality, to cherish him as he is, to love him with fidelity? (I do.)
Introduction and Exchange of Vows
The vows through which you accept each other as husband and wife contain no hidden power within themselves. It is to the extent that they express in words your intention and commitment that they have meaning. In a world where pressures pushing people apart sometimes seem stronger than those drawing people together, your commitment to each other will need to be creatively re-expressed in the coming days and years. The expression in today's vows is an important and visible milestone in your journey together.
Groom shall repeat after the minister: I, Colin, take you, Rena, to be my wife from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond, and in all our life together to be loyal to you with all my being.
Bride shall repeat after the minister: I, Rena, take you, Colin, to be my husband from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond; and in all our life together to be loyal to you with all my being.
Exchange of Rings
Rings are an ancient symbol, blessed and simple. Round they are, like the sun, like the eye, like the arms that embrace. Circles they are, for love that is given comes back round again. Colin and Rena, may these rings remind you that your love, like the sun, illuminates; that your love, like the eye, must see clearly; and that your love, like the arms which embrace, is a grace upon this world.
Bride & Groom alternately repeating: As I give you this ring, I give you my love.
Lighting of the Unity Candle
Rena and Colin, the two single candles now lit on the altar symbolize each of you in your individual uniqueness. The center candle, still unlit, is to symbolize your coming together to share a new life with one another. Each of you has brought to this moment a wealth of personality, of background, of experience, and of strengths and weaknesses, now you are joining in a new life together. Come now, and light a new light, using the fire each of you brings to this union. But do not extinguish the former lights, lest there be less light and warmth. May all three lights burn brightly and the warmth of your love for each other and for others be greater.
Wedding Prayer
O God, Creator and Sustainer of all life and love in heaven and on earth, we ask for your blessings upon this new marriage and upon the vows of marriage that Colin and Rena have taken here. Make this day and this passage fruitful to them through an added devotion, through a new inner strength, and through a new sense of the sacredness of life. We do not ask that they be kept from all sorrow and trial, but that they may learn from these and become stronger because of them. We do not ask that all life be easy and profitable to them, but that they find life good and worth celebrating. Make them always quick to forgive, quick to laugh, quick to enjoy. And especially, O God, grant them the grace to discover the tremendous delight and joy present in the small things. Amen.
Pronouncement
Forasmuch as you Colin and you Rena have consented together in marriage, and have pledged your love and your commitment each to the other in the presence of God and of this company, I do now pronounce you husband and wife.
Wedding Kiss
Benediction
Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now you will feel no loneliness,
for each of you will be companionship to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is one life between you.
So go now to your dwelling place
to enter into the days of your life together.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.
(From the Apache tribal tradition)
The Vows
Colin's vows
Repeated after the minister.
“I, Colin, take you, Rena, to be my wife from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond, and in all our life together to be loyal to you with all my being.”
Rena's vows
Repeated after the minister.
“I, Rena, take you, Colin, to be my husband from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond; and in all our life together to be loyal to you with all my being.”
The Rings
We worked with Elliot Gaskin, a fellow Academy of Art University alum, and he was a joy to work with. Colin previsualized the ring in 3D before a single stone was set. Rena's ring carries a C, and Colin's carries an R.
Photos by Colin. Rings by Elliot Gaskin.
The Details
Rena's bouquet was designed by Ashley Louie of Wild Club Design. Her dress was the “Maria Theresa” from Vera Wang's Fall 2019 collection, champagne gold and nude, in metallic gold Chantilly lace. She paired it with an amazing Byzantine crown.
Photos by Rena
A Drawing for Our First Anniversary
For our first anniversary we commissioned the San Francisco artist Paul Madonna to draw the church where we were married. His drawing of the sanctuary was published in the Nob Hill Gazette in January 2021. When we sent it to Rev. Lee, he wrote back:
Paul did a lovely job capturing our historic space, indeed!
Drawing by Paul Madonna